Why I Left My Dream Job

by Susie Hamman

Since I can remember, I have always wanted to work in the fashion industry. Looking back at past family weekend videos, you can see a spark in my eye when Jeff Zimmerman asks me “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer has shifted over time; it started as a fashion designer, then shifted to owning my own store, and at about age 16, I honed in on being a buyer.

From that point on, every class, job, internship, extra-curricular activity, etc. was geared towards making that dream a reality. With blinders on, I ferociously worked towards that goal. I balanced an internship, an after-school retail job, and babysitting through high school while participating in fashion industry exploratory programs (including Joline’s ‘Fashion and Finance’ program and a summer abroad in Paris). In college, I studied International Business, Marketing, and Data Analytics while working every project I could to be focused on the fashion industry. I took a summer job as a personal stylist at a department store and then FINALLY made it to my first internship in NYC the summer before my junior year.

By my sophomore spring, I decided that my dream job would be a buyer at Bergdorf Goodman. I interviewed for an internship role three summers in a row without success. The internships I would accept instead were carefully selected to make sure I was working with BG to some degree, building relationships at the organization and proving my worth in their eyes.

Three internships and one stint at Giorgio Armani later, I got the job. I pinched myself because I could not believe that it was real. I was in lust. Everything was sparkly and beautiful and luxurious. My childhood dream was a reality. In the most humble way, I was phenomenal at my job. I was passionate, eager, and incredibly well-prepared. Five months in, Covid hit and my head went down and I went to work, since there was nothing else to do. After a period of furlough and a corporate restructuring, I got promoted - taking on new, exciting opportunities. I was building amazing relationships with my vendor partners and I unlocked a new level of self-confidence I had never experienced before.

At the same time I was reaching this amazing place of comfort in my role, my life came to a screeching halt when I was diagnosed with extreme iron-deficiency anemia. I could barely get out of bed at points; my body and mind were failing me. I was forced to take a pause and pull back my efforts at work for the sake of survival, leaving more time for contemplation and reflection.

I realized that I was running on auto-pilot and pure adrenaline. I had made statements prior such as “I will be a lifer [at BG]” and “I couldn’t imagine working anywhere else.” Candidly, it was easier to just go with the flow of my life as-is than to take a pause and reflect on if this life is what I really want. I slowly became more attuned to the lives of senior managers on my team. I was noticing the hours that they were working, the stress that they were under, and the lack of appreciation from the organization they were receiving. I saw my life flash ten years down the line and I was terrified. Without a doubt, I did not want to live that life.

I sat on this thought for a few weeks to make sure leaving this job was the right decision. I’m not one to have many regrets, but I had one major revelation - I neglected the possibility of changing course. The blinders that I put on at 16 that helped me get my “dream job” were equal parts a blessing and a curse. I went through the formative high school, college, and post-grad years without the added chaos of career discovery. However, I didn’t grant myself the opportunity to challenge this dream-made-reality. I did not allow myself to change my mind or even question what I wanted to do with my life.

I quit my dream job at Bergdorf Goodman two months ago. It was the scariest thing I have done to date. I felt overwhelming feelings of failure, judgment, and idiocracy. To friends and family, this was a huge shock. I was embarrassed to tell people that I decided to change my mind. I was always the one who knew what she wanted, the one people didn’t have to worry about.

I am now on a path of self-discovery at the age of 25. Truly, I have no idea who I am outside of my career, but I am incredibly excited to find out. I am leaning into anything and everything that remotely piques my interest - whether it be art, exercise classes, travel, languages, going back to school. I’m determined to move through life going forward sans blinders, leading with my heart instead.