It Takes a Village: Gillian & Emily Show Us How Change Happens
We each have nightmare scenarios that spin in our head: accidents, kidnappings, illnesses--the terrible things that can happen, especially to children. And when a fear becomes real it’s natural to react in hyper-drive. Harnessing all the resources at our disposal, we overreact, complicating already complex situations with heightened anxiety and less than effective solutions. We’ve each overreacted in situations in which people we love appear to be at risk.
Which is why, in a recent Financial Parenting in the Social Environment session, when Gillian Stoettner shared her story, we listened, rapt: What do you do when your very sensible child lets it slip that she’s met someone online and wants to meet them IRL? If practice (or at least cultural inclination) is “to date within your peer group” what happens when the internet, where what constitutes ‘peer groups’ is rarely obvious, brings ‘stranger danger’ into the house?
The Financial Parenting session we were engaged in was exploring the complexity of raising young people in the context of social change that plays out in schools, online, in the social environment. Children raised in relative levels of abundance feel the brunt of these new pressures--even as they navigate customs and circumstances deeply unfamiliar to parents and grandparents.
To be sure, everyone in the session recognized the internet is the new “downtown:”meeting online is the new mode of meeting, leading to many happy partnerships and marriages. But when your teenager tests your readiness for the ‘new,’ how do you actually react? In many households turmoil would ensue: resistance, anger, fear would be understandable. Change is hard. Gillian and Emily demonstrate one way to make it easier.
With permission from Emily, Gillian shared their recent experience, aware their story--as well as their openness about it--marks a turn in what many families consider ‘appropriate’ behavior. Indeed, when Gillian began with, “Emily met a boy online and said she wanted to meet him,” there was an oddly silent, very polite, yet viscerally felt, gasp. It’s one thing to be intellectually open to the new; quite another to let it into your own kitchen. But Gillian went on. “At first I didn’t know what to say. My impulse of course was just to say NO! But I trust Emily; she’s 17; not a child I can just forbid to do things.”
Gillian went on to describe what she DID do: there were online meetings with the boy and with his mother; more conversations with Emily. How did she meet him? What was her thinking? And as Gillian gathered more data (an essential antidote to overreaction), a plan came into view. On another trip, Gillian would stop with Emily to meet the boy and his mother; and if all seemed well she would leave Emily to visit with the boy and return to pick her up a day later. And of course Emily was left well-armed: a hotel reservation was in place and at any moment Emily could depart with an Uber and check into the hotel. Gillian placed Emily on a locator app; not to police her, but to make sure she was geographically visible at all times. (Full disclosure: I place myself on locator apps with friends and family from time to time, given how much I travel.)
All went well, though of course new complexities arise. Emily and the young man are good friends, connected through a mutual friend (which is how the initial connection on line was made). He attended Emily’s Homecoming Weekend with her.
As I listened to Gilian’s story I was struck by her courage and ability to stay calm in what was very likely, at least at first, a deeply unsettling situation. Holding on to that calm no doubt facilitated her ability to problem solve. And support from Rob was of course a vital resource. Had the parents been at odds, the outcome might have been very different.
In sharing the story Gillian gave other family members an experience they could reflect on and store in their own data banks of ‘what do to when.’ She took a risk in doing so. Not every family embraces the gift of learning from one another. But it was clear in that session that Gillian gained support and empathy from parents who realize the complexity of balancing support, independence, and protection--for today’s young adults.
It actually does take a village to raise children.
Extended families have an inherent advantage; a natural village. Identity issues are eased with the grounding of history, legacy, shared stories. Support and diverse input is built in with cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents (even those who express criticism and judgment have a role to play); resources (proximity, transportation, connections; sounding boards, wisdom, and mentoring) are available in a wide web of relationships.
But it is only when that web of family relationships is nurtured, exercised, and tapped that it’s valuable; only then the village is alive and truly functional. Had Gillian--with Emily’s permission-- not shared their story, others might not have the advantage of her experience if/when similar challenges come into their homes. And had the family members present in that session not shared in the conversation, she might not have received the support that was clearly present.
